I really hate to broach this subject again, but I think it might make for an interesting blog post, and we all know those are scarce in these parts.
It is not uncommon for me to find out that upon meeting me for the first time, people tend to assume that I am gay. I wouldn't say that I am offended by this, but it is most definitely frustrating. I am aware of the cues that set people's "gaydar" off: a sense of fashion, an interest in art, a feminine intonation, a lack of interest in sports, a love for house music etc. These are all stereotypes that, whether they want to admit it or not, people buy in to. It's ridiculous. That being said, I've never put on an front for people just so they wouldn't get the impression that I'm gay. If anything, I think that would make them even more suspicious.
I've also come to the conclusion that it might appear as though I'm in the closet about my sexuality, and that's even more frustrating. If I were gay, I'm almost 100% sure that the minute I recognized that fact I would want to come out immediately. I am fortunate to have a family with an open and accepting attitude about homosexuality (except for maybe the small portion that is part of the Jehova Witness cult religion). I would have planned myself the most fabulous quincenera and everything! But alas, it was not meant to be. Being in the closet seems like a horrible position to be in, and I'd hate for people to think that is the case with me.
So why am I bringing this all up again? The other night, in a Nyquil-induced haze I entertained the thought that I might be gay. I had never seriously researched the subject before so I inanely Googled "am i gay?" I found various questions that you're supposed to ask yourself, and tested negative. No, I have never "crushed" on a member of the same sex, and nor do I wish to have a romantic or sexual relationship with them. No thank you, it's just not for me.
That same night, I also began to question the relationships I have with friends who are gay. Were they only interested in me because they thought I was gay? Did they think I was hitting on them, when I was only being friendly? Don't get the wrong idea, I'm not trying to paint myself as this super stud that all the gays fawn over, it's not like that. To be honest, I'm fairly oblivious when it comes to flirting and the like, so when I realized that I could be unconsciously leading people on, I was mortified. I actually had a talk with one of said friends, who assured me that the idea wasn't completely ridiculous. While he didn't have an answer to my dilemma, I now know that I wasn't being a total conceited asshole for thinking that way.
I'm not sure what to do at this point. I am who I am, and there's nothing I can do about that. I wish I could just say "Fuck all y'all I don't give two shits 'bout what you think!" But unfortunately, I do care and lately it's been getting to me more than it usually does. The fact that everyone's speculation about my sexuality led me to question myself, something I never felt inclined to do on my own before, is infuriating. If everyone could just leave me alone, and stay out of my business that would be nice. Excuse me for not meeting your standards of heterosexuality.
5 comments:
I wish I could leave you a nice comment on something helpful, but I've got nothing. It sucks that its led you to the point of questioning yourself :/
that is a really awful position to be in. i mean, you can't help being who you are or how other people perceive you.
that said, if i could offer any helpful advice this would be it: use it to your advantage.
people, mostly women, tend to put their guard down around us gays when they sense that you might not exactly be interested in them. you could actually get to know them better and on a much deeper level since they feel more comfortable around you. they tend to tell you things that they might not necessarily share with someone who they aren't as comfortable with and actually show you their truer, or real, self (if that makes sense). it does sound as if it would take a much longer time for you to meet women than with other straight men but i can almost guarantee that the result will be that much more rewarding.
as for other gay men thinking you are gay, i say just try to get past the frustration and actually start thinking of it as a compliment. because, honestly, who doesn't like being liked?
by the way, if you were gay, i would have totally liked to have been invited to that quinceneara party!
Hey Jon R. has some good advice though the only thing I would forewarn you about is that if women are comfortable to the point of feeling like you are one of them that might be a bad thing. You want to get close but not so much that they stop seeing you as a guy :/ so, yeah use it to your advantage but don't let them forget that your a potential boyfriend, not girlfriend.
Thanks for the comments guys. I'm sortin' through it, this is just a lapse in my self confidence.
I mean, that's what I'm guessing it is. I'm coo tho'.
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